Here in Naples, it is very common for children to live with their parents until they get married and they do not typically get married until their late 20's sometimes 30's. They will choose a technical school, or a university that is close to home and they will live, eat , and play with their family until they start a family of their own. Most often the newlyweds will choose a home near one or the others parents and continue the tight nit family bond that has been nurtured for twenty something years.
After they are through school and married and having children they have dinner once a week together and take on a lot of responsibility to care for their parents in a very hands on way. Their kids are very close with the grandparents or "Nonni" because of all the interaction they have on a weekly basis with them.
As an American I look at this as a great family life, but perhaps not establishing enough independence for young adults. If I step back and just look at it as a mother, I love it. There were days I counted down how much longer till one child or another graduated and would be going to college, but that was the American in me, the mother in me thinks all of their smiling or grumpy or sassy faces should be at my dinner table every night and if I was a Neapolitan Momma they still would be. It doesn't seem like in this culture there is much need for forcing independence.
Anna is a Neapolitan mamma. She is also my Italian teacher (Professoressa) She is wonderful, we laugh so hard in this class. We share things about ourselves in broken Italian and we make idiots out of our selves trying so hard to roll our "R's" and sing the language the way the Italians do. Today in class we cried. All of us. Not as American, or Germans, or Japanese, or Italians (Because us military wives are from all over) but as mothers.
Anna received a text from her son who in a very non Neapolitan fashion left home at 16 to go to an Italian military academy. He was texting to say his stomach hurt. Anna knew the academy is very strict and the student's do not use cell phones. They do not let the parents visit but once a week for a few hours, so although he was likely
very ill she would not be able to go see him. Anna explained that they had to sign their son over to the government for him to be able to attend this school. They have no further parental rights.
Anna began to cry, "It was what he wanted" , you could see the sad understanding come across the faces in the room. I felt it to my core. Most of the women in our class have younger children than Anna and I ( mine are still older than her children are) My thoughts went directly to my two grown girls. Not only that the family that sits around my table isn't full, but how I have supported them in doing things that have scared me.
She explained how when he first announced this was what he wanted she was fine with it and encouraged him to "Chase his dream" but in the back of her mind she never believed he would pass so many hard tests and qualify. Besides the fact that they have no connections, or contacts in the military and he would have no one to give him required "recommendations". However as he passed test after test it became more real to her. She admitted to with big watery eyes, that she prayed for her son to fail.
It had come to the last test and as he was leaving the house with his father to take the test he turned to her and he said "Mom, how about you pray for me"
She choked down the tears welling up in her throat and eyes, and for his own peace of mind she said "ok", however she divulged to us that she did not, she just could not bring herself to pray for her son to leave her home at such a young age. The connections and bonds were not yet fully formed and would he return to her, and if and when he did would he still be her boy?
Anna told us she prayed , and she prayed hard but not for him to succeed, or to pass the test but she prayed "him into the hands of the Holy Mother that the Lord would do with him what was best for him."
He passed the test obviously, and she exclaimed that she knows this is what is best for him because she knows the Lord hears and answers her prayers. I sat and pondered her testimony that she so heartfelt spilt in front of believers and non believers alike. I thought "Anna I think you passed the test too " As the tissue package was being passed around the room, Anna who's hands were cradling her head looked up and with piercing eyes and said in a meek yet definite voice "I just hate how clean his room is, it is always so stupidly clean. You should love your kids messy room, appreciate it and love it"
And so in Italian class today I learned something new. A mother is a mother everywhere.
